I don't know in which direction my life is heading to. Day by day, I come across something of the other that makes me feel that I am losing myself in all of life's muddle. The HAPPY-GO-LUCKY Neha, the all-time CHEERFUL Neha who carries the best smile in the world with her! It's been three and a half months since I have waited for the outcome of my dream university's application and I am expected to know the outcome by the end of this week. Besides that, the thought of knowing that there might be chances that I have to undergo a long-distance relationship with the person I truly love makes me jump out of my skin. Moreover, he is leaving this Saturday for a forceful Europe tour because of his pig-headed father, leaving us just this little amount of days to spend time with each other. It really hurts feeling terribly hurt due to being associated with him when I am supposed to be feeling joy and happiness being in love with him. He is not at fault... but the persisting conditions and people are to be blamed for all this catastrophe. We have NO IDEA which university and which country we are going to end up studying in and that is what scares me so much! It has been such an anxious wait and since my holidays had started, I feel that I have had more of the bad things than the good. Each and everyday, I feel like my heart breaks into one more piece each day I live. Nothing and absolutely nothing great has happened so far, except the realization and confession of me and my love. That had incredible imperfections as well. It hasn't been a smooth road at all!!! First came 'hesitation', then came the fear to accept, then came the acceptance of our love, then came a long long queue of misunderstandings, discussions and fights and now this calamity of might having the need to be separated. It hasn't been perfect and it hurts. They say that in love we have to look beyond the imperfections... but what if the imperfections far outweigh the goodness of the relationship. I still choose to hold on, I always will, because even in another planet or universe, I cannot find anyone like him and that is why I CANNOT at any cost afford to LOSE him. He has been the sunrise in my dark mornings and the moonlight in my darkest nights. Someone who takes care of me and loves me unconditionally. Someone who looks forward spending the rest of his life with me.
Trust me, it's hard to enjoy life's pleasures carrying so much pain within you. I do not wish to do anything at all these days. I force myself to look happy, I force myself to smile because even if I present my sadness to anyone, it's not lessened at all. And this feeling, is completely disappointing. The feeling of drowning in the ocean of sadness and knowing that you have become so habituated to it that it's extremely hard now to come out being alive(completely happy) again... unless something extraordinary comes along and lifts you up from the raging waters of depression to the most-awaited and desired cloud nine!
