Life has gone too far since I last blogged. I'm close to my graduation and soon I would be experiencing my university life. I've been working in and out in all my endeavors. Very recently, I opened a mehndi stall in a bazaar at a university here in Jakarta. I even earned 577k. A little productive work done during my super long holidays. My writings skills have been really appreciated, both in school as well as in the newspaper. I've always been positive and excited about life. But I guess life has come with a certainty of ensuring sadness and misery to prevail in one's life. My dream of being the head girl was replaced by being a captain. I did make my house proud, but somewhere in my heart, I'm still hurt. I usually kick all the bad things of life to the back of my mind, and continue to remain happy with all of life's other little pleasures. But what happened recently, really shattered me and broke my heart into a million more pieces. The dream I truly wished for, what I truly prayed for, wasn't gifted to me. There is a limit to bear the consequences of life's rejected dreams. Who would ever know what I'm going through? I fake a smile every moment of life, for fear that I will worry another person, especially my family, of the troubles I'm going through. They have their own worries to concern. Every hour of my life, weakens me. I don't wish to have a purpose in life now. I don't fear rejection, I don't fear to be hurt again. I just have lost all faith to believe in myself again, to believe in my goals and dreams. All this while I've been keeping positive, but now I'm just hopeless. I try to cheer myself up, but nothing would ever heal my broken heart. I cry hysterically everytime I get the chance to be alone, but I guess there is no one to hear me cry and apprehend my tears and heal my broken heart. My friends simple say words to motivate me, but it takes true support to work out. I guess nothing and I mean nothing can get me out of this dip I'm currently in. I'm meant to face all this alone. I'm just so deserving of all this suffering. I guess true love has found me, but I don't seem happy. Or even when I am, I guess I'm forced to be. I want to send my life with the one I love truly, but more importantly for now, I only want my happiness back. Nothing else! It hurts to cry all day and night. It hurts to have your dreams shattered. It hurts to know your dreams have been gifted to other people. It hurts and simply hurts. Everytime I look in the mirror, I realise I've lost my sparkling eyes. I've lost my charming smile. I've lost me :( But I'm asked to move on. I will move on, but without expectations. My heart is broken, my dreams are shattered, my hopes lost. But I'll still fake a smile, so I don't bother anyone. I'll just go with the flow. And still cry, everytime I am alone...
